So this is why I share my story – maybe someone has advice on how to let it go and get relief.
My Pregnancy and Lack of Preparation
This was my 1st pregnancy in my life being near 30yrs old and to boot with my luck just had to be twin boys.
It was painful to carry them around, to walk like my guts are going to just fall out, my back was in pain 24/7 with no relief no matter what, the whole pregnancy was a horrific experience for me.
Plus was also a High-Risk pregnancy the whole time because it is multiple babies & I always have high blood pressure, which I take daily medication for now.
One doctor appointment was a scare – I may have preeclampsia but a 24hr urine specimen revealed I was safe from the worst.
The doctor never told me what labor felt like and what to do in case I wouldn’t make it to the prescheduled date for the c-section. I never got the hospital tour that I was supposed to, but nobody called me as they should have.
My doctor was out of the state for 2wks before I got the C-section, nothing in my pregnancy went as planned. The c-section was scheduled to be done a week after the actual day I had it performed.
It started at midnight that night feeling excruciating back pain and thinking it was labor but I was unsure since this was my 1st time. It was killing me and I thought it could be labor so I did as the Internet said – time contractions, eat, walk around & time them some more. I was in disbelief & belief that it was labor.
Well, the thing that shocked me into a scared out of my mental state was to feel a gush of water and to the bathroom to clean myself I at that time felt something hanging out of my crotch and I also saw it.
This terrified me and I was seriously in absolute horror and shock and thinking Oh My God my guts are hanging out and the 3 of us are going to die. My only thought was that the whole ride to the ER. I didn’t know it was an umbilical cord. I knew baby A was breeched but only thought – was it’s my guts? I was shaking violently, terrified out of my mind, horrified and in shock at the sight of the hanging thing.
At The Hospital
I arrived at the hospital I was supposed to get a tour of a week prior but nobody called me that Thursday to do the tour. My husband nor did I have a clue as to where to go, which was the main entrance we got to.
A nurse starting her shift was walking in and my husband got her and she got a guy with a wheelchair and seemingly it took him forever to push me to the 3rd floor, delivery area.
Then a nurse told me to pull down my pants and she just wide eyes just dove in my crotch with her hand yelling in my face to breathe and that she was holding up my baby’s butt. Yelling at me to breathe, but I was hyperventilating from being terrified and I was out of my mind.
She got on the bed with me & held her hand in my crotch while being rolled to the operating room. All the people in the OR were strangers to me further worsens the situation for me. They put a plastic cup-like face mask on my nose and mouth and were saying to just breathe and the last memory I have was that I thought to myself ‘Why the Hell is this B*tch choking me with her hand on my throat’ later to find out it was a tube being shoved down my throat to breathe for me because I went under anesthesia for the c-section.
I have no memory of surgery but I remember my last thought and the 1st when I woke up out of anesthesia. The most excruciating pain imaginable because a nurse is wrenching on my freshly cut stomach to check my bleeding, all without a single painkiller in my system. It was the worst thing to wake up to after being traumatized already and then to be tortured and my mind at that moment could only deal with the unimaginable pain.
A little later which seemed forever I got morphine which only made it tolerable, they still wrenched on my stomach and it still was a horrific pain.
The 2nd thought when I finally gained some once of control of my mind was where are my boys and what do they look like?
After The Birth and My Life Now…
I didn’t get that moment in a mother’s life they get when the child is born and you are the 1st person they mainly see. In my case, I didn’t see my boys until after midnight that same day, delivered at 6:43 & 6:45 am but didn’t see my children until I demanded to see them. They were in the NICU in a different hospital. Baby A was born not breathing and both are premature anyway.
Finally, I saw them, baby A statistically shouldn’t be alive but is – Thanks be to God for that! I cried the whole time I couldn’t have him home after taking the 1st one home.
The experience was magnified even worse because I had doctors telling me the vultures are going to have their eyes on me and I better make sure my kids make all their doctor check-ups, of course, they do.
To top all of that injury – I had Child Protection Intake come speak to my face about me being bipolar asking if I am mentally stable enough to care for my boys. Adding INSULT to INJURY. She even came to my house, my boys have everything they need & are in good hands, at that they are in my hands and I am very overprotective, so protective that I still have not been able to let myself allow another human care for my boys and have the responsibility of my boys lives in someone else’s hands.
They are almost 5 months now. I am unable to get over what has happened and the trauma of everything. Unable to allow another person to hold my children’s lives in their hands and to leave them with another person. I don’t know if I can.
This is and was my only pregnancy, after all of that I don’t want any more children, but at the same time, I do still want to try for a daughter.
If I knew it would be like this I’d never have allowed a man to ejaculate inside of me knowing I do not take birth control. I’m near 30yrs old & never took birth control ever, for that long have not taken a chance to get pregnant until I decided I was old enough now and I would be ok with it now.
I want a daughter but not like this, the pregnancy horrible and the delivery even worse. The End of all this is I Am the Best Mom to my boys ever. I’m a better parent than all the parents I know, particularly the ones that put other things 1st in their life before their own children. That is something I can’t and won’t agree with and don’t allow.
My kids are always #1 in life. That is my priority now and forever. They are my reason, they need me. I keep living and it is for them. I hope to eventually overcome the hump of trauma and the not trusting people with my kids’ issue, for now, I cope with my life as my own small family. Staying to myself without support. Which is why I typed my story.
Maybe someone has advice on how to let it go and get relief. Thanks for reading.
(Los Angeles, CA, USA)
More C-Section Birth Stories
Or head over to our main Birth Stories Section to read about other types of birthing experiences…
If you have any relief or advice, please share your thoughts by leaving a comment to Sara below!
Paula (Easy Baby Life)