Mom’s Question:
I have a beautiful healthy 11-month-old baby boy, but he is so cranky all the time but mostly only in the presence of myself and my husband.
He is so attached and won’t let me do anything. He wants to be picked up and carried constantly and unless we are in the room, bear screams at the top of his lungs.
I get so upset and tired by it. I want him to be happy and independent. Sometimes I stay with him but don’t pick him up, but he just cries and cries until I can’t bear it and end up picking him up. Tears come rolling down his face.
His grandparents say he is as good as gold when they look after him, so I know that nothing is wrong with him. I don’t know how to break the habit of picking him up. My neighbors must think I have a nightmare child and it’s impossible to leave him to cry when he is in that state.
Please advise. He is my first child. He’s not crawling either and I think he is frustrated by that as he wants to move but can’t despite me putting him on his tummy from a very young age every day. I am so worried about him. I need help!!!
Zara
Baby Helpline
What To Do With Clingy, Crying Baby
Firstly stop worrying! Your stress transmits to your little boy and he will react by panicking when you go out of the room. And too bad about your neighbors, it is not their business. You must not worry about what others think (including parents!). Your job is to have fun with your baby and enjoy him, and that is the best thing for his development.
Some babies are more clingy than others, and it just means they need more cuddles and reassurance. If you can manage a backpack or sling, he would probably love traveling around with you as you chat about what you are doing.
I am not a believer in leaving babies to cry for long. It doesn’t hurt a baby to cry a bit with frustration, but it does sound like your little fellow is stressing out too much. If he has to get distressed to get picked up then it is being reinforced. You are then literally teaching him that he needs to cry really loud to make you pick him up! It is much better than you pick him up lots at other times too, and get down on the floor with him to play so he builds confidence.
Make it a game rather than a struggle between you. If you are going to him feeling resentful and frustrated then he is picking up on that and feeling insecure.
He will crawl eventually – or maybe he won’t! Some babies actually start to walk before starting to crawl. But at this stage, being left on his own on his tummy is scary and frustrating, and although a certain amount of frustration causes babies to reach that bit further and pull themselves up, he will only do that when he feels confident. And if he has got fearful you are going to go away, or are out of reach he will just stress out. You can encourage him by putting toys just out of reach but you stay with him, smiling and encouraging him. Play rolly-polly games on the floor with him, and peek-a-boo games so he knows you are coming back.
Don’t worry, he is just at the age where babies are often clingy and hate Mom disappearing. This is called separation anxiety and is a sign of development in a child, not the opposite. He will grow out of it, just enjoy him and have lots of interaction with him. Babies gain independence much quicker by having lots of attention and play than they do being left on their own to try to achieve control. The separation anxiety cannot be mitigated by the baby being left alone, but rather the opposite. The more their needs to be close are fulfilled during this phase, the faster the phase will pass.
Learn more about 11-month-old babies and how to play with them here.
Have fun,
Paula
More Crying, Clingy Babies
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Bella's mom
30 Jul 2019My 11-month baby was exactly like that. She would not crawl or play on her own. She wanted to be held most of the day and I had to be in her sight.
Then… we moved out of state. We used to live in a 2 story home with all hardwood floors. Our home was not very kid friendly. Now we live in a one-story apartment that has carpet throughout, it is bright, and we made the living space very child-friendly. Within a week she was crawling all around and now she is even cruising. She plays with her toys that I set up for her in her own corner. She makes her way into her bedroom all by herself and opens her books and enjoys her day.
This was a temporary move while we look for a house here. For some reason, it has made parenting a lot easier. I can keep an eye on her very easy. Also, I feel a lot less stress with less to take care of here, so I think it has rubbed off on her.
I am going to really take my time moving into a big overwhelming house again and just enjoy our carefree time here!
Vikki
30 Jul 2019Hello, I found your letter because I was looking for advice for the same thing myself. My 12-month-old daughter had been living in four different cities ever since birth and she appears more insecure, stressed and cry-ready for babies her age, and it’s been months.
She screams and cries a lot of tears at the drop of a hat when she wakes up, and whenever I go to a different room (even when I keep talking to her to try reassure her). I can’t do anything else too, and it’s driving me nuts and exhausting me (I’ve even resorted to using earplugs to dampen the noise). I use a baby carrier but it hurts my back AND she complains if I do not interact with her enough. I finally resolve to nursing her a lot and holding her in one arm wherever I go while I do other things, which is quite hard on my arms and back. Not to mention that, I’m missing a LOT of sleep because I try to catch up on things only while she sleeps.
Some of the things seem to help, even just a tiny bit (I’m speaking what applies to my DD but I hope it is helpful to you too). My daughter seems to need things that can attract her attention and hold her interest, so she can break the cycle of needing you all the time. It’s a vicious cycle because if she doesn’t feel secure, she doesn’t feel like exploring her world. I’ve gotten her a lot of toys, as well as household goods and junk that I do not care too much about. Anything (safe) she wants to play with, I let her. Those baby music videos help hold her attention a bit too, the ones that have the sound of chimes and bells and funny sounds. In fact I’m thinking about making a video of me singing, to see if it helps at all. Her father who’s away lot, made one, and it seems to soothe her and hold her attention a bit.
Playing peek-a-boo does seems to help, sometimes. I suppose it helps give a fun (instead of stressful) association with periods of time when you disappear out of sight (for a few seconds), and hopefully it can progress to longer periods. In fact the only chance I can shower in peace is let her play with me behind the shower curtain (she does the peek-a-booing!), even though it makes for a wet bathroom floor and baby.
One other thing that helps a lot is try tiring her physically. Even though the last thing you feel like doing is leaving behind the piling housework and go outdoors to play with your baby, it might pay off. My DD can now stand and move around with support, and bringing her to the playground to stand a bit, to play in the baby swings or the slide (belly down), seems to make her “forget” she needs to hold my legs all the time. Even watching other kids and babies seem to help, and babies learn by watching their peers too. Along the same lines, even though you are tired, going to playgroups help too. Also, I wish I had one, my friends told me the Jumperoo (the gadget that holds your baby in a harness and lets them jump, with lights and sound as a reward for the jumping) helped give them a good workout and let them sleep well too! It looks like your son can soon crawl around, so maybe at least you can bounce him up and down your bed (while holding him) so he gets to push his little legs a bit.
Make sure your baby gets enough sleep too because lack of sleep makes for a crankier baby. But most important of all, take good care of yourself. DO whatever that helps to relieve your stress level, because babies do pick that up from you — practice deep breathing, take stress-busting supplements if you think it helps. I’m still looking for more tips too.
Hope it helps and good luck!
Helen
12 Mar 2016Wow, you all seem to have gone through what I am currently going through with son number 2. I am now back at work and the child minder says he is no where near as bad I made out he was with me!
He is still not sleeping through, waking at least twice a night and mostly 3 or 4 times. I will Rock him to sleep but as soon as I put him down he wakes screaming. I can’t leave the room and it is making very 4 year old really unhappy, he can’t take being in the same room as the screaming baby and it’s affecting my relationship with him.
This has been from birth but neither the health visitor or the doctor seem to believe me when I say I think there is something wrong. One Dr said perhaps silent reflux, was checking what meds to give him, went on holiday and the other doctor told me over the phone, without seeing him, she did talk with me for a while but I don’t think anyone is taking me seriously.
I am sure he has separation anxiety that causes a lit of the crying, but the continuous crying even though I am holding him, the straining and being uncomfortable in any position meaning I have to end up either holding him tight to stop the punching and kicking or put him on the floor – hardly conducive to keeping calm and quiet at 4 am, so then he ends up being awake for nearly 2 hours. I then have to go to work all day the next day and then the start the night time all over again.
He was exclusively breast fed but Dr said introduce bottle as maybe he was hungry – only has one breast feed at night when I can’t settle him and give up to let him into bed with me so at least I can get some rest
I too feel awful for being short and shouting at both kids, but am at my wits end. Off to see Dr again on Monday – any tips from those who have made it out the otherwise would be great
Thanks xxx
Paula Dennholt
18 Mar 2016Hi Helen!
I understand that your situation must be so exhausting and frustrating, especially since you think there might be something more wrong than “just” separation anxiety. I don’t claim to have the full solutions at all – just wanted to offer a few ideas on handling the situation.
1) Night sleep – 11-month-old is a period of poor sleep (as I am sure you know) for many babies, because of separation anxiety. In your situation, where you need the sleep, as does you 4-year old – I would take my 11-month old to my own bed or at least to my own room. You say that he falls asleep if you rock him. What happens if you cuddle up together in the evening and he is allowed to sleep close to you? If that improves his sleep at all, go for it! Your 4-year-old will sleep better, you will sleep better and your 11-month-old will sleep better too and maybe be less grumpy during daytime. (Same for you, actually!) You will have plenty of time later on to get him to sleep in his own bed and his own room.
2) Continue investigating if there is anything health related affecting your son. Kudos for not giving up!
3) You mention that this has been going on for a long time. You write mostly about the nights, but the thread is about daytime, so I suspect you find his behavior challenging at daytime too. The thing is, babies are really sensitive to emotions around them, and if you feel stressed out and sort of just waiting for his next tantrum, be sure he takes it in! Even if it is exhausting, your son is obviously sensitive to other people’s feelings and he is also sensitive to his own feelings and he has a strong will – he is telling you over and over again that something is not right. These are both great traits that will help him a lot in the future! So appreciate these traits in him even if they are expressed in exhausting ways right now! 🙂
4) I think one of the thing to do is to start focusing on the good times and try to expand them. At 11-months-old, a baby needs plenty of stimulation. What makes him laugh? In what situations do you feel good together – even the three of you (with your 4-year-old)? Make a list of good times and try add as many as you can each day. Get down on the floor together and play a game – maybe your 4-year-old can build a tower and your 11-month-old can tear it down? Go to the playground and put both the kids in a swing? Have your kids feed you during a meal? Put bits of some favorite snack hidden among toys and have the kids find them (at levels suitable for both). Make funny faces together. Practice words. Get in the bathtub together. Dance to music. put both kids down on the bed and tickle them (if they enjoy it) Take a couple of weeks and focus on fun! You can even write down what you did every day, to make sure you are doing things. And stay focused. No mobile phone at the same time. Do things often rather than for long periods. All this is to actually get more happiness into your life, get rid of some stress and help you focus on what works for your baby rather than not. Sometimes we reinforce their challenging behaviors by expecting them.
And really – get your sleep! If you sleep better with your 11-month-old in your bed, don’t fight it!
Hug,
Paula