In Bed Alone

by Stacy
(Alaska)

After having my baby boy I found myself alone in my bedroom. My husband seems to prefer the sofa to our bedroom. My libido is back, but my husband doesn't want me.

The baby sleeps in his own room, but wakes up to eat every two hours.

My husband complains that the baby keeps him up and he can't sleep. He has to get up for work between 4am and 6am.

When ever I try to be intimate with him it doesn't go anywhere, I've even been flat out rejected a couple of times. I'm one of those lucky women who has a great sex drive after having my baby just my partner has ditched me.

He has a fat phobia, and I'm having trouble losing my baby weight while breastfeeding. I've almost lost my milk a couple of times because I wasn't eating enough, and burning too many calories in the gym.

I'm at a loss and don't know how to handle my not so sensitive hubby?




Easy Baby Life

New Dad With Low Libido - What To Do?


Hi Stacy!

I really feel for you!

While it is more common that it is the mom who completely looses the sex drive post pregnancy, it can of course also happen to the dad (or to both!). For dad it is not so much the hormones, but usually more fatigue, and the whole transition to becoming parents, which can be overwhelming.

Either way, it is a very painful situation for both. The person who does have a sex drive feels constantly rejected and starts to doubt his or her sex appeal (like you do) and the other person might feel a lot of pressure (a complete turn-off!) and may also start to wonder if something is wrong with her and him.

And added on to this is the tension and disappointment is may create between the two persons as well as the disappointment with the whole situation: "This should be our happiest time ever, and we are just miserable".

So what to do?

Well, the first and most important thing to do is to talk to each other. Not late at night. Not with accusations. Just a kind talk about this problem you have now with completely different sex drives.

You won't solve it with just one talk. But if you can start having friendly talks about this, and if possible with the mind set from both of you such as: "What can I do to make my partner feel better" then you've come a long way.

Maybe your hubby needs you to stop taking initatives for while if he feels very pressured.

Maybe you need at least to be held or have him remember to give you compliments so that you stop worrying about him not liking you for your looks.

Maybe he can commit to initiate an intimate sitatation once per week or every two weeks if you step back?

Maybe he can get ear plugs, or you put a mattress in you baby's room, so that you can sleep together most of the night without your husband being totally exhausted in the morning.

There are probably a lot of things you can do together to slowly improve the situation. But as long as you fight or not talk or accuse each other, you will get nowhere.

I bet you love each other very much!

And I bet your weight is not the problem. If someone we love gain a bit of weight, it really doesn't matter much. Sure a slim body looks great according the the ideals we have in our society, but when it comes to someone we love, it is not at all as important.

So don't blame yourself. And don't blame your hubby. It is noone's fault and it is a very common situation to have a mismatched libido when being new parents.

Try to help each other instead, maybe using this answer as your starting point. And also, if you really can't solve it, don't hesitate to contact a councelor. They can be of great help in your situation!

I really wish you the best of luck!

Paula





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