Toddler Screaming At Night And Not Bonding

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Toddler Screaming At Night And Not Bonding

by CJ
(UK)

Hi, my daughter for the past 6 months has been waking up around 2am every day screaming and throwing tantrums. At first it was every other night and when me or her dad tried to comfort her she started screaming more and throwing herself back and latching out at us. After abt 10 min she would calm down and call out to me. Then she starting calling her dad and wouldn't let me touch her or talk to her.

Now, her dad and I have split up and I am living with my mum and she cries for my mum. It is very upsetting because I have to leave early for work so my mum gets her ready for nursery and picks her up and when I get home she doesn't want to know me....I feel very rejected. It has got worse since our split and I have been making sure that every night she goes to bed happy in the hope she will have a good sleep but it hasn't worked. She only sees her dad every other weekend but she is still very attached to him and when he is around she doesn't want me to do anything for her. And now living by my mum she wants my mum to do everything for her.

I'm really upset and thought I would have this amazing bond with my daughter but it seems she prefers everyone else but me. Not to mention when I am around I do everything for her but is never bothered when I am not there. I thought I was a good mother and don't think that now.

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Toddler Screaming At Night And Not Bonding

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Oct 22, 2009

Toddler Night Screaming
by: Baby Help Line - Annie

Hi CJ,

First of all, of course you are a good mother! The best way to be a good mother, is simply loving and having fun with your children. One thing to keep in mind though, your daughter is not responsible for making you happy - she is just learning and growing and testing things out, and unfortunately Mom is often the one who gets the tantrums and other people get lots of the goodies! That is because she feels safest and trusts you that she can do her worst, and know you still love her. So don't take her behavior personally, just trust in your instincts and most of all enjoy her.

You have both been through a lot of changes and you will be feeling a bit overwhelmed I imagine. Your daughter is also having to adjust and come to terms with the new living arrangements and will be missing her Dad. Try to just let her grieve, and keep the problems you have with your ex separate from her relationship with him. She needs to know you both still love her and will put her needs first.

The best thing you can do is try to support her when she is angry and sad. Don't feel rejected, she is only behaving like that because she is confused and hurting. You are the stable person in her life and she is probably scared you will disappear too, and may even seem to reject you as a way of lashing out.

The fact that she is attached to your Mom is a good thing, you both need support right now. Don't expect your daughter to be building your self-esteem, she is just a child. You have to start believing in yourself and your strengths and that is the best way you can show her how to grow up to be a wonderful young woman.

Now, I am not sure about your daughter's age, but it sounds to me like she may be having night terrors. Night terrors are different from nightmares in that the child is not really aware of who you are, and will just be irrational and angry and scream for all sorts of things or people. It is very hard as a parent to know what to do as it seems as if you can't comfort her. Many parents feel rejected when their little one won't be comforted or screams for the other parent. It is really hard, but you just have to be patient and calm and comfort her as best as possible until she calms down again. She will grow out of it but it is exhausting and upsetting in the meantime.

Just be gentle with yourself, you have been through a lot and are also a working Mom, which is a big load.

All the best
Annie Desantis

X Close Editor

Oct 22, 2009
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Submitted by: Baby Help Line - Annie

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Comment
Hi CJ, First of all, of course you are a good mother! The best way to be a good mother, is simply loving and having fun with your children. One thing to keep in mind though, your daughter is not responsible for making you happy - she is just learning and growing and testing things out, and unfortunately Mom is often the one who gets the tantrums and other people get lots of the goodies! That is because she feels safest and trusts you that she can do her worst, and know you still love her. So don't take her behavior personally, just trust in your instincts and most of all enjoy her. You have both been through a lot of changes and you will be feeling a bit overwhelmed I imagine. Your daughter is also having to adjust and come to terms with the new living arrangements and will be missing her Dad. Try to just let her grieve, and keep the problems you have with your ex separate from her relationship with him. She needs to know you both still love her and will put her needs first. The best thing you can do is try to support her when she is angry and sad. Don't feel rejected, she is only behaving like that because she is confused and hurting. You are the stable person in her life and she is probably scared you will disappear too, and may even seem to reject you as a way of lashing out. The fact that she is attached to your Mom is a good thing, you both need support right now. Don't expect your daughter to be building your self-esteem, she is just a child. You have to start believing in yourself and your strengths and that is the best way you can show her how to grow up to be a wonderful young woman. Now, I am not sure about your daughter's age, but it sounds to me like she may be having night terrors. Night terrors are different from nightmares in that the child is not really aware of who you are, and will just be irrational and angry and scream for all sorts of things or people. It is very hard as a parent to know what to do as it seems as if you can't comfort her. Many parents feel rejected when their little one won't be comforted or screams for the other parent. It is really hard, but you just have to be patient and calm and comfort her as best as possible until she calms down again. She will grow out of it but it is exhausting and upsetting in the meantime. Just be gentle with yourself, you have been through a lot and are also a working Mom, which is a big load. All the best <a href="http://www.easybabylife.com/annie-desantis.html">Annie Desantis</a>

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