Talk Is Cheap And Can Make Things Worse

by Bob
(Henderson, NV)

Married 20 plus years. Third wonderful child. Third bout with post partum issues. I have had numerous friends (men and women) which have all identified the one thing that makes all the typical frustrations identified above exponentailly worse for the parter who still thinks having a sex life is possible - even desireable. If you are the partner with the restricted drive and the rare mood crosses your mind, DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT! If you can - act on it. Not later - Now! If you can't act on it - do not bring it up. ( No pun intended.)

Speaking with some more sexually driven friends the other night I found that all shared (once we really stated talking) the same ultiamte aggravation upon aggravation: Imagine its 6:00pm both of you are still less than exhausted and your as of late non-sexually interested partner says: "Wow, I really can't wait to get you into bed tonight." (Or fill in your favorite "green light" phrase.) The less driven of you may think this is a good thing since you are letting your partner know there is still some theoretical interest. This is true if the fireworks are touched off before the next sunrise. However, do not kid yourself, the baby will still be the baby, the other kids (if any) will still be the other kids. Unless some sort of miracle which I have yet to witness occurs - by the time everyone get to bed all are typically exhuasted or worse, the comment is forgotten: "Did I say that?" Oh, rejection upon gratiuitous expectiation - not a warm or fuzzy feeling. An insight from one of those "lucky" enough to have maintianed our libido where our dearly loved partner's has vanished, on the chance that the mood has genuinely hit you put the kids away (safely but, quickly) if its your thing - take a shower, bath and don your favorite sex garb whatever it may be THEN and ONLY THEN go tell your partner the good news and have a good time. If the mood hits and there is no time - well that is life. We are all adults and, however begrudgingly, should understand that. If you bound and determined to tell you partner that your brain at least came up with the concept on its own but you are not in the mood (which I cannot see any good reason for, but still) open with a clear expression that sex is not about to occur and unlikely in th near future. If you do not your more sexually charged partner will only hear "We are going to have sex later." When it does not happen reasonably soon thereafter emotions, none good, will burst the dam.

Many of the libido challenged are probably thinking, as my spouse's logic insists no matter how many times we have had the conversation: "Even if we do not end up having sex you should appreciate that I am letting you know I am at least thinking about it." At least in my situtation, and the situtations of the dozens I have discussed it with - THIS LOGIC IS SERIOUSLY FLAWED. It would be analogus to telling a starving person he or she should appreciate your stated intention to grill them a nice steak - whether or not you actually feed them. (Not a great analogy really as the starving man will not be socially ostricised if he gets a steak elsewhere or "just grabs a burger" - but, I am sure you get the point.)

Ignorance is bliss. You never miss what you do not have. If you have no realistic expectations you will have no real losses. Pick your cliche. But the fact is a spouse who cares should try to ignore the lack of sex out of respect for their spouse's feelings and for their family's benefit. After a while we gain some ability to do this regularly. Enough time goes by and we actually get to the point that we default from the thought (desire) that sex is a possibility on any given day of the week to the realization we should pursue other hobbies for a while - and that is ok. Speaking from experience, the worst thing you can do to a spouse that is spending more time with hobbies than keeping the home fires buring is create the expectation only to later pull the rug out - or worse yet, forget you created the exepctation all together. It is an unfortunate fact of the parental experience that these littel dramas have to play out. There is no need to make already tense circumstances more so.

Finally, in all honesty, I am not sure if I wrote this to help you the anonomous potenial readers or just to vent for my own edification. Hope it helps someone.

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