Siblings As Friends

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Siblings As Friends

by Clair
(Adelaide)

I would like my kids to grow up and be close. How can I enforce this?

Comments for
Siblings As Friends

Nov 27, 2008

Help older siblings adjust to a new baby
by: Baby Help Line - Annie

Hi Clair,

I'll include your question about your five year old being violent in here.

Basically, you can't force your kids to be close. Forcing in itself is not about loving and caring, so the best thing you can do with your five year old, is to help him to feel loved and special.

When we come home with a new baby, all the attention suddenly shifts to the new arrival, and the older child is supposed to just accept it happily. People come with presents for the baby, everyone admires baby, everyone cuddles baby. It is no wonder your son is struggling to adjust. If you think about it, your son has had you to himself for five years and suddenly it seems to him that you have taken your love away and all your attention is going to the new baby. He is learning that to get your attention, even if it is negative attention, he has to do something drastic like hurt the baby.

You need to change the focus from telling him off, to finding all the things your 5 yr old is good at, or all the ways he is behaving well. Punishments and telling him off will just reinforce his feelings of not being loved. So if you start to give him positive attention, he will no longer need to behave badly.

It is important that he is not allowed to hurt the baby, but it is also important that he has some time to say how he feels. Letting him say he hates the baby is fine, he has to express it, and in time he will learn to love his new sibling. You've had nine months of knowing a new baby was on it's way, the concept for your son was just abstract, the reality is much harder to get used to.

Of course you need to keep your baby safe until you can trust your five year old has learnt how to handle a baby. Teach him how to hold baby, how to change a nappy, how to talk to baby, how to be gentle, all the time praising him for being such a lovely big brother.

When you are talking to the baby, tell the baby how lucky he/she is to have such a lovely big brother, all the things baby will learn from having an older brother, and talk about your five year old in front of others as special and helpful. Take any opportunity to emphasize the positive things he does and minimize the bad behavior.

Try to make some special time with him on his own, when baby is asleep, or when Dad has the new baby, and let him know he is special, he is important, you love him. Make sure you and Dad spend some time each day with him, paying attention to his stories, his questions and his games. In particular, praise him when he helps with the baby getting nappies or getting you a glass of water. Make him feel important.

The sibling relationship will grow as your 5 yr old starts to feel loved and secure, and your baby grows up.

Enjoy and love them both, and emphasize all the lovely special qualities and you can't go wrong!

Annie Desantis

Nov 28, 2008

Another practical tip
by: Baby Help Line

Hi Claire,

I agree completely with Annie in this, but wanted to share a practical tip with you.

One mom, in a situatio quite similar to yours, told me of a little trick she uses now and the.

I guess your son has to hear now and then "Not now, the baby needs this or the baby needs that".

Well, take the opportunity some times to tell your newborn "No, mom can't carry you right now, because I want to do this or that with your brother". Preferably do this when your baby is quite content with being with dad or in the bouncer or something.

Just to make your son feel that he has top priority too sometimes.

Also, if there are still friends and family yet to pay a visit to see your new baby, ask them to bring a gift to your son too - for celebrating that he is now a big brother.

Good luck and congratulations!

/Paula

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