My Son Doesnt Want To Be With Me

by Sarah Pascual
(Manila, Philippines)

My son doesn't want me as soon as anyone else is around. I don't understand why or what to do about it. So I need help!

Here is some background: I'm 26 and a first time Mom to a 1 1/2 year old boy. Before I gave birth I had a great career ahead of me. However, I decided to be a stay-at-home mom for the meantime until he's old enough for me to go back to work.

If you'll ask me I'm not really into kids. I never imagined I would have kids and be a full-time mom but then the pee stick indicated I will be.:)

When he was born everything went smoothly except I think I had a slight case of postpartum depression but I think I'm over that now.

My real concern is as time passed by it is like my son doesn't want to be with me. Every time my mom, his grandma, would come home from work and also his dad, he clings to them more. If it is a weekend, I won't even have any chance of holding him because every time i try to get him from his grandma or dad, he would just cry and throw a fit.

I would understand if I go to work and come home late and he's already asleep but I'm here 24/7. It is odd because if its just the two of us, he seems pretty attached but when the others come home from work, I'm the last option he wants to be with.

I tried everything, I even tried to buy his affections with gifts. I know it seems desperate but that's what I think I am... desperate.

I scold at him at times but so do the others but how come its like he's more upset with and its embedded to his head. What worries me more is when I return to work. I fear that things would get worse.

I talked to my husband about this. He seems to understand but he would always say that it is just in my head and that makes me crazy mad. Help please..

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Baby Help Line:

Whan A Toddler Prefers Everyone But Mom; Why And What To Do

Having a baby is a life changing event, and it is often the Moms who have to make the biggest adjustments. Particularly if she has a great career, that she has to step back from.

Firstly, I would like to congratulate you for making such a huge decision and putting all your energy into your little boy, it clearly was not always easy, but you have given him a great start in life.

What I would suggest is that you are taking it too personally when he wants to go to others. In a way, you are his rock, you are there all during the week and he has learned to depend on you. He is now at the age when he feels confident and safe enough in his relationship with you that he can happily go to others. And people he doesn't see so much of are exciting and stimulating.

Children are not in our lives to make us happy or please us or even love us. It is our responsibility to provide lots of opportunities for them to bond with others, to interact and learn about different relationships and to test out new situations. It doesn't mean your son doesn't love you or enjoy time with you, but it just means you have to give him a bit of space to learn and relate to others.

I am wondering if, because you have given up so much to be a full time Mom, and put so much of your heart and soul into being a parent, if you are expecting your little boy to fill all those needs that you got from being a career woman. Being a stay home Mom can be very isolating, and it can be hard to have a sense of achievement when you are surrounded by diapers and toys!

I think you are putting too much expectation onto your little boy to give you a sense of self worth and love. That has to come from inside of you.

Make sure you find some time to do other activities that give you those feelings of achievement or respect, or appreciation. (Maybe in the weekend when Dad or Grandma can have your little boy!) Even thinking about returning to work part time if that is something you are really passionate about. The important thing is that you have other things outside of Motherhood that gives you a sense of satisfaction and self worth.

When you are feeling desperate and trying to get his attention, it actually pushes him away as he will pick up on your neediness.

Just relax with it all, your son loves you, and you will be the center of his world for many years to come, but that is what gives him the security to interact with others, to explore the world and all the exciting things there are for him to learn about.

You can't force children to be affectionate or cuddly if they are not in the mood. When you think about it, we are just the same, if we are busy doing something else we might not want a cuddle either! It doesn't mean he is punishing you, or angry with you, it just means his attention is elsewhere. Use that time to get on and do other things that make you happy. The happier you are, the more fun you are to be with!

Enjoy your little boy,
Annie Desantis


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