Husband Doesn't Help Out With Baby

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Husband Doesn't Help Out With Baby

by Susan
(Oregon)

How can I get my husband to help out with the baby? Our baby is one month old. I feel like I'm mothering two instead of one! My husband doesn't help out around the house either.

Thanks for any advice you care to offer.

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Husband Doesn't Help Out With Baby

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Nov 12, 2009

Husband doesn't help out with baby
by: Anonymous

If it is his first it may be that he is just nervous because he is still small but try and get him involved at bath time and do it together or get him to burp him, change him or suggest that he can give him evening bottle (if you are not breastfeeding). If he is nervous then do it with him until he gets the hang of it. All these littles things will help and in no time he will be bonding with his son.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Nov 12, 2009

Involving Daddy Part 1
by: Baby Help Line - Annie

Hi Susan,

Having a new baby in the house is a huge adjustment. You will be exhausted, your hormones are all over the place as they settle back down, and you are trying to figure out how to handle a newborn baby. Of course you want your husband to help with practical things around the house and also with your new baby.

I suspect he is probably feeling pretty overwhelmed himself, the responsibility of being a parent, probably the only income provider for a while, and many men are terrified of tiny babies. Your husband will also be adjusting to not being the center of your world - when a baby comes along a Mom turns all her attention to attending the needs of a little one, and many men find that hard to get used to!

Unless men have grown up around babies, they often have no idea what to do or how to handle them, and are scared they will hurt them. They often play a bigger role when babies get to the toddler stage. My first husband was like that, where in the beginning he was too scared to pick up a little one, and even months later immediately handed her back if she so much as looked like crying.

You both have a big learning curve and adjustment, and need to just try to relax into it all as it gets a bit familiar. Try to talk to him when you are not feeling so angry and hurt and he will be a bit more open to hearing what you say. Try to explain it is a partnership, and you are exhausted and need his help with specific things. Ask him what he he would be prepared to take responsibility for over the next few months. Maybe he can cook 3 nights per week, maybe he can fold the washing when he gets home, maybe he can take baby for a walk while you cook dinner. He probably has no idea what to do, and just feels like he is failing you and you are always annoyed with him.

Part Two Follows!
Annie Desantis

Nov 12, 2009

Involving Daddy Part Two
by: Baby Help Line - Annie

Continued from Part One:

You husband also needs time to learn to handle baby, and you can pop baby onto him in the mornings in the weekend and gurgle and talk to your baby so he gets to learn how to interact with her/him. Pop baby in his arms saying you are just going to have a shower, or put on a load of washing. The more he can get used to cuddling the baby, the more he will bond and get comfortable with her/him. Teach him how to pat babies back or bottom to sooth if baby is crying. You probably instinctively know a lot of things to try when your baby is crying, Men often just find it overwhelmingly distressing as they hate feeling helpless!

Share with him the lovely times, when baby makes eye contact, when baby smiles. Share the wonder of all those tiny toes, the wrinkles in the knees. Make sure you share as much of the joy of it all, this time is totally exhausting, but also one of the most incredible times of your life. When your husband does do things for you make sure you tell him how much you appreciate it, and he will be much more likely to do it again! Talk nonsense talk to baby, tell her/him look, there's your Daddy, aren't we lucky having Daddy, are you going to look like Daddy when you grow up? You've got Daddy's nose ...... that kind of thing, so your husband feels included and special.

If your husband is a reader, get some baby books out from the library, or share with him stories about stages in development. This site has a wealth of information you can share with him so he starts to learn how your baby is growing and what to expect.

Most of all though, dnjoy this time with your new baby, it goes very quickly!
All the best,
Annie Desantis

Jan 25, 2012

Give me a break
by: Anonymous

Wait a minute, so the husband needs time to adjust, learn how to take care of a baby, and become comfortable around the baby. Last time I checked the new mom didnt get the same slack and time to adjust to the new baby. She had to jump right in, wrong or right, and take care of her babys needs because clearly if she doesnt NO ONE WILL.

I think its rich for a man to say he wants a baby and a family especially since he doesnt need to go through 9 months of pregnancy, a painful and body changing labour, breastfeeding, and most of the care associated with that baby/child for the rest of its life. Thats on top of having to give up a good career and sacrifice a sense of who you are as the baby takes over your entire life. No youre right, the dad should just sit back and slowly adjust to the new baby while the new mother who is still recovering from labour slaves away day and night.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

It takes 2 to make a baby, it should take 2 to take care of it AS SOON AS IT IS BORN.

Jan 25, 2012

You've got a point!
by: Paula (Easy Baby Life)

Hi Anonymous,

I just saw your angry comment and I must admit you have a point! Easy to "need time" when someone simply does the job for you... And I think women often do the job, having learnt at home, in school and at work to be ambitious. And some men simply cruise along.

It does takes two to tango, though, and if the women always stay on top of things someone else won't. I don't suggest leaving the baby to cry, but maybe let go of the control and head out for a walk at least.

During the first couple of months with a new baby, especially for moms who breastfeed, the baby tends to be more or less attached to her body around the clock. No wonder she gets used to caring for the infant quickly and no wonder many men feel so left out.

But men are just as excellent at diapering, burping, dressing, rocking and so on... So if we let go and the men step up, we'll have a lot more peace, love and understanding :-)

Easier said than done, but I don't think it is all about the men not doing there part.

What do all you other moms and dads think?

Paula

(And for moms who need some encouragement read our NEW Mother Section and in particular, take a look at the new mom sleep tips. )

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