18 Month Old Won't Go To Sleep Alone

by Leanne
(UK)

I have an 18 month old son who just won’t go to sleep alone. He was in a good routine and he did go to sleep alone, but this last month or so he just won't. We have tried story tapes, music, and reading, everything I can think of. But it takes for me or my partner to lay next to his cot for him to go. We have now put him into a bed as he didn't like his cot anymore this hasn't helped either. Any advice would be greatly received.



Baby Help Line Response:

Hi Leanne!

For a start, 18 months is a development period and it is very common that even really good sleepers start waking up at night or refuse to go to bed alone all of a sudden. So your son is normal and you haven't done anything wrong at all. Rather, you seem to be doing a lot of good thing to help him!

What is often missing in all those "sleep through the night miracle methods" is that the authors fail to inform their readers that just because a baby learns to fall asleep and stay asleep alone, there are no guarantees that this will continue. Actually, as children go through their development stages, it is more likely than not that they will have periods when they sleep pretty badly; are scared, have nightmares or simply need to test their parent’s limits. Tough but true!

That said, there are still things we parents can do to make these shaky period pass as fast as possible. In you case, my suggestion would be to slowly getting him used to falling asleep further away from you. Continue reading him a bed time story and maybe sing a lullaby. First you move away from his cot just slightly for a couple of days, then you sit up, still close to the bed, then move a little further away from it etc... Don't make it into a power struggle, but rather let him get used to the new situation slowly. Within a few weeks, you are likely to sit close to the door, reading a book. Not an awful way to spend 30 minutes... Then you can try to get out of his sight, but make sure he can still hear you.

In my experience, this works much better with older babies than trying to play hard ball.

Try it and remember the reason why he is fussing - his mind is expanding and he really can't help it. Within a couple of months he will be calmer again and easier to put to bed. (Only to become fussier again later on...)

Good luck, and please let me know how you are doing.

/Paula

Comments for
18 Month Old Won't Go To Sleep Alone

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Jun 18, 2008
 sleep help
by: Laurie

Hi! Everyone of my children went through this phase. As they get older there are a host of developmental reasons why this happens. I believe it is primarily because they are now aware that you are not there with them - hence the separation anxiety that correlates with this particular age.

It is a tough scenario and everyone has different feedback on how to handle it. I think you have to do what feels right to you. I will tell you that I learned the first time around that creating a new routine for them (allowing them to fall asleep and then returning them to your room or falling asleep on you or in your room can pose longer term problems for you)

I believe it is best to provide simple reassurance and love. Be quiet and loving and firm and allow them to go back to sleep in their crib and bed. While this may seem cold and harsh it is not. Studies have shown that children that do not learn to self soothe have a history of sleep disturbances and difficulties and that does not even factor in your sleep deprivation and let's face it...does your child deserve you with 4 hours sleep or you with a solid 7!

I hope it works out. It is a really tough time. I remember. Best of luck!

Laurie
Dec 21, 2009
 Mee Too- And what I did to fix it.
by: Anonymous

All of a sudden at 18 months my perfect sleeper would be scared to death to go into his crib and he would wail. I couldn't understand it.
So we set up a very strict bedtime routine and when it was time, we would put him in his crib. he would say "nooo" and scream when I laid him down. But I stuck to my guns and gently told him it was sleepy time and left for 3 minutes, then came back, reassured him and left for 5 minutes, came back, reassured him and left for 10 minutes. (Just like in the Richard Ferber book). Usually by them he would fall asleep. We did this at nap time too. After 3-5 days/nights, he was back to his old self of sleeping normally. Now I put him into crib without the whole nighttime routine and he is fine. But wow, we were scared for a few days there!
Feb 12, 2010
 same problem!!
by: Brittany

My daughter is now 19 months old, and for the past 6 months, I could lay her in her crib awake and she would fall asleep no problems. Not a peep out of her. She suddenly started waking up screaming bloody murder like she had a nightmare and my husband and I would bring her out to the living room and let her fall asleep again on the couch next to us. We then started letting her go to sleep on the couch, and when we went to bed putting her in her crib. Now... She will not go to her crib at bedtime at all. We let her fall asleep on the couch. When we go to bed we try and put her in her crib and she screams, points to the corner of her room, and shakes her head no. I do not know what is going on with her. I feel guilty because I know that she is scared, and for the sake of our sleep she has been sleeping with us for the past 3 weeks. Please help. I feel like I am torturing her!
Feb 25, 2010
 my baby has never slept at night even in the whomb!
by: kelly.uk

hi ,help my baby is now an 18month old toddler and still will not sleep, i noticed even when i was pregnant with her she was active at night ,and i could not sleep! she has never changed, im now getting worried that somthing could be wrong as she will go all day and night without sleep!
Mar 19, 2010
 Same thing!
by: Desert Mom

I am so glad I found this! I thought it was just me!! My son slept in his crib easily from 4 months old to about 3 weeks ago (18 1/2 months now) and I am out of my mind!!

I never wanted to have him cry it out and I didn't know what else to do so I did the 5 minutes, 15 minutes, etc and it has been a week and he still cries until he has fallen asleep standing up in his crib and we have to carefully lay him down (husband can do it, I am too short to not disturb him and he will start all over again!)

I hope we and our babies all get some sleep soon!
Mar 24, 2010
 Me too!!!
by: Leah

My 18 month old has been a great sleeper, except for the past 3 weeks. He will cry for 2 hours ( I go in and calm him every 30 mins) and end up giving up and laying down in my bed or a single and getting him to sleep. he will scream his lungs out only at night and will cling to me like a monkey, not wanting to get into his cot. I keep trying to be tough as this has always worked in the past but even after panadol or nueraphen (the Dr told me it is his teeth) nothing will get him to sleep, except his closeness to myself or my husband.
Mar 30, 2010
 Growth Spurt?
by: Amanda

Out 19 month old was sleeping fine in her bed until last night. She was ready for bed and when we went to tuck her in she suddenly got a second wind and would, not for the life of us, go down. It was like she was in play mode again. We are thankful knowing now that this is normal after reading these comments. Does anyone know if this could be a 'growth spurt' symptom?
Apr 02, 2010
 Not alone
by: Mandy

I am glad to know that this is not only happening to me. My daughter has ALWAYS fell asleep on her own with no problems what so ever! That is until about two weeks ago (she just turned 18 months). Now she cries everynight when I walk out of her room, and even wakes up crying at least 5 out of 7 nights a week. I have a bedtime routine, have tried crying it out, soothing her, and even standing in there until she goes to sleep. I feel like I am losing my mind and I am exhausted!!! Hopefully my good sleeper will be back soon!!
Apr 08, 2010
 My daughter is the same
by: Chel

Hi,
My 18 month old daughter is going through the same issues. She has always slept through the night even at birth. She has been a perfect baby. However, the separation anxiety and the not wanting to go to bed, waking up at night screaming first occurred at 16 months and lasted about 2 weeks. It seemed to be related to her first set of 4 double teeth coming through. Once the first of the 4 cut, her sleeping behaviour returned to normal where we would say good night to dad and the animals I would place her in bed and walk out of the room. You would not hear from her again until morning. The unsettled bed time mostly at night but a little through the day has now come back at 18 months. Unfortunately this time it is worse than before. I am hoping it is related to more teeth cutting and she will return to "normal" in 2 weeks just like last time. Last time all I had to do was sit in her room for a little bit and sneak out. This time I have to pretend to sleep in the single bed in her room until she falls into a deep sleep. If this is a pattern of every 2 months I am not looking forward to the 20 month stage. Good luck to everyone.
Apr 14, 2010
 Nearly 19 Months and Won't Go To Bed
by: Anonymous

Like all the other Mom's I am struggling with my son, who was a great sleeper, no longer going to bed without Mom or Dad. One month ago, we moved him into a new room in preparation for a new baby (arriving in less than 3 weeks) and he did great and now for nearly 2 weeks he screams as we even approach the crib. We have let him cry it out for over 2 hours (going in every 30 min or so) and he doesn't give in. The minute you take him out, he will put his head down on your shoulder and fall asleep, but when you go to put him back in his crib - we start the entire routine again. Do I let him cry (note: there are no tears...so I believe he is just mad)for hours or do I go in more frequently?? Each time I go in, I think he is more disappointed when I leave and cries more. With the new baby coming...I am very nervous that my good little sleeper will never return! HELP!
Apr 15, 2010
 To anonymous w baby due
by: Paula (Baby Help Line)

Hi,

With a new baby due in only a few weeks, it is very easy to understand that you want your 18 months old to sleep in his own bed and his own room. However, since it doesn't work right now (and 18 months is actually a common age for babies/toddlers to need their parents at night for comfort), can you think of other strategies? Since you are feeling so stressed about it, your son is very likely to pick up your emotions and become worried too - and hence resist sleeping in his own bed and on his own even more.

Is there any way you can have your son sleep between you and your hubby and keep a cradle for your new baby next to your bed? Or would it be possible for your partner to sleep with your son for a while and you sleep with the new baby?

Another option could be to get a toddler bed or even a mattress on the floor in your son's room, so that one of you can lay down with him when he falls asleep. Hopefully then he will remain there for at least part of the night and when he needs you at night one of you can either go there to sleep with him or can move over to that bed if he sleeps in yours (if your bed becomes too crowded).

Since the birth of you new baby is coming up so soon, I think the most important thing right now is to find a "quick fix" that is acceptable for all of you, including your son. There are huge changes ahead of him anyway, so having to be "rejected" and forced to sleep alone might not be the best timing. See it as a transition period where all of you will get used to being a bigger family. A lot of families keep moving around between beds at night, to make sure as many as possible get a decent amount of sleep. It is quite comical when you think about it.

We have three children now. I think the best advice I ever got from an experienced mom was to let go of all my ideas about how things should be and settle with "good enough". If as many family members (including mom!) gets as many of there needs fulfilled, thinks will work out pretty fine. So find alternative ways right now to arrange the nights and deal with teaching your son to sleep alone later on. It might even go automatically when he is ready for it.

Warm wishes,

Paula
Apr 16, 2010
 19 MONTH OLD REFUSES TO GO TO BED
by: Anonymous

Hi
My 19 month old son won't sleep of a night either. I didn't know what was happening but after reading all of these comments i am so glad it isn't just my son. He is a great sleeper during the day but come bed time at night he just screams. He is sooo tired but is just refusing to go to bed. For the last 3 nights he has been falling asleep on me in front of the Tv and then i am putting him into bed, then he is waking up about 3 times a night. Hopefully we will all get some sleep soon.
Apr 16, 2010
 Little to No Sleep
by: Deb

I commented the other day about my nearly 19 month old who suddenly refused to sleep. From what I have been reading, it seems that children generally between the ages of 18-19 months may be on the verge of talking and therefore are experiencing a hard time "quieting" their minds at night and cannot express it any other way except through the screaming. It is torture for us as well especially as we are due with our 2nd 2 weeks from today. Two nights ago it took him over 2 hours (I used the Ferber method) and he finally fell asleep and stayed asleep (YEAH) - last night we repeated the Ferber method and it took only 30 minutes. Sadly he woke up a few hours later and we didn't have it in us to continue - so in with us he came. I know we are sending a mixed message, but in the end you have to do what works best for where you are at in your life. Personally I don't mind our son with us, but I do need some personal time in the evening and I think it is important that the child knows how to put himself to sleep as I can only imagine that this may be something that they carry with them for their entire lives.
Apr 29, 2010
 NEED SLEEP
by: Skye

Hey everyone i am totally relieved to read your comments as my 20 month (just) is refusing to go to sleep without me next to his bed he is also waking atleast 3 to 4 times a night to get in to my bed. As it is Just him and I I didn't really mind at the start but have returned to work and finding it extremely difficult to get up and motivated in the morning the to return to doing house work etc and going through the whole night drama thing again!! I am nearly pulling my hair out and was wondering if anyone has tryed anything that has worked?? I am letting him cry it out as i type and it is ripping me to peices, am I doing the right thing or do i need to look at othr options? Since being back at work he has NOT slept through one night at all :( Your thoughts are appreciated.
Thanks
Jun 16, 2010
 19 month old wont go to bed alone
by: megan

I've had to rock my daughter to sleep every night and at nap time since she was born. She's now 19 months old and i've been trying to get her to fall asleep by herself in her crib, but as soon as she sees me trying to put her in the crib, she freaks out. I've been just letting her cry it out, and it seems to be working (at first she cried for an hour straight every time), but lately it's only been about 10 - 20 minutes before she falls asleep. I really hope this means i'm doing the right thing. It's just heartbreaking to stand there and listen to her cry and scream and not do anything to comfort her. Good Luck to all.
Jul 09, 2010
 My Son cries loud and throws up every night
by: Anonymous

I have the same problem all the writers have described above. My 18 months old Son won't go to sleep on his own and in addittion to that, he cries so loud when we put him in the crib that he ends throwing up his food every night. My husband goes and see him every 5 to 10 minutes, but it just makes it worse. It makes me worry he is going to lose weight and create a bad habit, since he is probably learning to make himself to throw up. What do we do? HELP PLEASE
Jul 13, 2010
 Not fun
by: Anonymous

Its not a fun time is it. My daughter is 19 months old and she has beeb sleeping fine. She for the last week has been refusing the cot for day sleeps and night. You try and take her to the cot and she wakes up and starts crying. The naps have gone on for a week she she just sleeps in our bed. But the night sleeps for the last 2 nights have been in our bed. Its just easier hey. But I would rather her sleep in her bed, im just not big on crying it out. And while im on the topic of this age she is petrified of the bath, shower. Its a fun age hey. Any advice is good. Been reading and I think i might put in a toddler bed in her room and she can pick where she wants to sleep (that might help) - I just didnt want to move her this quick but if it works well who am i to complain
Jul 27, 2010
 SO GLAD I READ THIS.
by: SHARRON

My little girl turned 18 months on saturday, since that day she has turned into a demon and won't sleep. I'm typing this now listening to her scream her lungs out!! She always went to sleep so well. I would put her down with a bottle and off she would go till 7.30-8.30am. Now she will only go to sleep on me or my husband, but as soon as you go to put her in her cot off she goes screaming. Like most people i assumed it was teething or feeling unwell. So i would go and comfort her. I have rightly or wrongly just played hardball and she is now quiet (for now).

I thought it was me or something had scared the hell out of her at night. But just a baby trying to assert her independance, so pleased i read this!!

And to the rest of you good luck!
Jul 28, 2010
 comfort your little cryers
by: Tash

My daugter is 21 months old and I have always soothed her to sleep since day one. If she needs me, I'm there for her. I believe our children cry for us because they need us. The reason babies who cry it out go to sleep eventually is not becasue the need subsides but they realize they can no longer count on their parents for whatever they need. They lose trust and learn their voice is no longer valuble enough to be paid attention to. How heartbreaking is that? There is a reason why mom's hert is breaking while she listens to her baby crying for her. Its called instict and a mother's instinct is very powerful and very accurate. We were designed to comfort. I know how hard it is, I still get up with my daughter at least twice a night but I know the investment I am putting into her, will benifit her with confidence and compassion towrd others in her future. Cjildren who are comforted learn to comfort others later in life. Also, we need to help our children to have a healthy positive experience with going to sleep because it will stay with them into their lives. I highly recommend Dr.Sears book - Attatchment parenting, and a lot of his other books for that matter.
All the best to all you mommy's out there and hang in there, it will pass and you'll feel so good knowing you followed your heart :)
Aug 02, 2010
 My 22 month old and going to sleep
by: Yvette Melia

It is so nice to know that you are not the only Mum having issues with a toddler going to sleep. My daughter, was a great sleeper and that changed about 3 months ago. Now, she will only settle if I am in her room holding her hand. This can take up to an hour every night. It seemed silly to be having to lie down by her cot for over and hour until she went to sleep so I left her on her own last week and let her cry it out for over 2 hours, using Dr Green method of going back in every few minutes. She eventually went to sleep only to wake up vomiting 2 hours later. She was sick 4 times over the next 2 hours. I can only put this down to the mess she got herself in. Since reading this site I have decided that holding her hand is actually not a bad thing but I am going to try and move further away every few days to see if I can break the cycle
Aug 02, 2010
 My 22 month old and going to sleep
by: Yvette Melia

It is so nice to know that you are not the only Mum having issues with a toddler going to sleep. My daughter, was a great sleeper and that changed about 3 months ago. Now, she will only settle if I am in her room holding her hand. This can take up to an hour every night. It seemed silly to be having to lie down by her cot for over and hour until she went to sleep so I left her on her own last week and let her cry it out for over 2 hours, using Dr Green method of going back in every few minutes. She eventually went to sleep only to wake up vomiting 2 hours later. She was sick 4 times over the next 2 hours. I can only put this down to the mess she got herself in. Since reading this site I have decided that holding her hand is actually not a bad thing but I am going to try and move further away every few days to see if I can break the cycle
Aug 23, 2010
 Relief!
by: Anonymous

I have been going crazy trying to figure out what happened to my good sleeper. I have tried all the methods and honestly, the only thing that works is letting him sleep with me and getting up sometimes several times a night and going into the other room while he calms down. Let's all pray that this is just a stage as it seems to be happening around the 18-19 month mark. Good luck everyone!
Aug 25, 2010
 SLEEPING alone - will it ever happen again :)
by: Anonymous

My 18 month old grandson - will not go to sleep unless myself or his mom lays down with him. After he falls asleep we can get up and go to our own bed but every night he will wake up at least twice and come to one of our beds. The only time he will sleep soundly all night is if someone is laying with him throughout the night. We figured out too, that when he sleeps soundly, we sleep soundly and we don't have a cranky kid the next day around 5ish.. because of being sleepy.. so we do what we can to get sleep and for them to get the hours they need as well. They are only toddlers for so long They DO grow out of it.. My kids are 22 and 13 - and you miss those days of snuggling.. so snuggle away.. you wont' regret it... if anything one day you will miss it.!!
Aug 25, 2010
 18 Month Old Won't Go To Sleep Alone
by: JeanBean1977

OMG, I'm so glad I found all these comments. My husband and I (well, really, mostly me) have been going crazy the last few weeks! Our son is 19 months old today and has been exhibiting the same symptoms for the last few weeks. I really hope this ends soon - I'm at my wits' end here obsessing over whether my son is ok (or hungry, or teething, or growing, or having nightmares, or just being ornery for the heck of it). I'm so glad to know this is a normal phase and will eventually end. My only real worry is that I won't recognize the end of the phase and the beginning of him wanting the same bedtime rocking that's been getting...
Aug 26, 2010
 to last anonymous on aug 25
by: Anonymous

I love your perspective you have with your grandson. You've already been through all this and have adult children so you know that it does end. Thats what so many people with grown children tell me, to enjoy those ngihts of snuggling and nurturing becaue it aches when its all over and you would almost do anything to get it back. I try to see it that way and I just enjoy it so much with my 22 month old daughter who still sometimes walks quietly into our room at night and either crawls into her little bed we have made for her on the floor or if she really needs some closeness, she crawl in with us and we just love it. We have an open bed policy and she has the security to know its always there if she needs it. I know I always feel more confident and can accomplish a lot more out of my comfort zone if I know I have someone or something to fall back on if I need it. It being left on your own and thrown into something that traumatizes people and makes them feel overwhelmed and insecure. Thanks for your imput and good reminder Grandma!

Warmly
Tash

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